What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 02:25
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
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Comes on , in middle age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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But it wasn’t much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
What do women talk about mostly(among themselves)?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were not on the streets..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Would this be the day?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I write beautiful poetry .
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When she asked me how she looked .
I waited trembling.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)